Tenpin bowling guide

Try tenpin bowling without putting a foot out of line with our bluffer's guide.

Now that you have discovered the range of tenpin bowling opportunities available in Gloucestershire in Ten out of ten, pick up the sport quicker than a cold on public transport.

SoGlos.com’s bluffer’s guide will help bowling beginners – whether you’re aiming to show-off with a strike on your first shot or simply score ten for effort.

Limbering up...

• Upon entering the bowling alley, have a long debate about whether you need two or three rounds to show-off your ‘natural ability’, moan about the prices and then pay for your games.
• Now, grab a pair of shoes, ponder over how many feet have been squeezed into them before yours, tie the laces and predictably decide that you need a size bigger or smaller than you first thought. Use this excuse for any that smell suspicious or look like they have fungus growing in them.
• Next, depending on how many friends you have, divide into two teams, fight over who gets to be team captain and try to forget about always being picked last in the school playground.
• When you eventually get picked, build team-spirit by high-fiving everyone on your side – conveniently forgetting that you would rather die than be seen high-fiving your friends in the real world. This gesture, you assume having seen Grease, is socially acceptable in tenpin bowling.
• Type humorous nicknames onto the scoreboard – again having a debate about the order of play – deciding whether to send ‘the big guns’ out first or to save your ‘secret weapons’ until last. Of course, it doesn’t really matter what order you bowl in, but if you lose this will give you the excuse that your ‘strategy’ rather than aim was all wrong.
• Now, choose your weapon – in this instance – ball. They are numbered according to weight, the heavier the ball the larger the number. Stick to a weight you’re comfortable with and avoid the temptation to grab the heaviest ball you can find, boys – you will do your back in, not look macho. Girls should similarly avoid only playing with the pink balls – Trinny and Susannah won’t be watching to see whether you’re colour coordinated. Note, finding the perfect ball will probably involve nicking them from another lane – a move that will potentially get you in a fight – so only steal from lanes occupied by children or old people.

Play time...

• While the central idea of the game is hardly neuroscience – knock down as many objects (or ‘pins’) as you can with a big ball. You need to know that you get ten goes (or ‘frames’) at knocking down ten pins – with two balls each round. At the end of the ten goes – the person who has managed to knock down the most pins is the winner. Simple.
• Well, there are a few more rules, but thanks to automated scoreboards you don’t need a degree in mathematics to work out if you’re the winner. Getting a strike (when all pins are knocked down with your first ball) means the score from your next two balls is doubled, and a spare (when all pins are knocked down after you’ve rolled both your balls) means the score from your next one ball is doubled. The perfect score is 300, but don’t bet your house keys that you will come anywhere near this on your first try.
• When lining-up to take your shot, don’t cross the foul line – not only will you look like a big cheat, but the floor is highly-shined so you risk slipping over and will look very silly too.
• Between the legs bowling while smirking at your friends, will make you the mockery of everyone else in the alley. Similarly, running and skidding up to the line might look good on the professionals, but will probably result in a trip to A&E. Try a smooth, one-handed roll keeping your arm straight and aiming slightly to the left or right of the middle pin with as much power as you can muster – until you’ve developed your own patented style.
• Tenpin is a game invented for self-congratulation – if you get a strike feel free to punch the air, jump for joy or do a victory dance, but not when you’ve knocked over two pins and a third that ‘wobbled a bit’.
• Sit down and patiently wait for your next turn, while mocking your opponents, and repeat the process until all your turns have gone and you have either decided to give up the day job, get personalised shirts made-up and start a career on the pro-circuit – or you’ve vowed never to play this stupid game ever again. Never, ever demand to have the gutter-guards put up if you are over the age of ten.

After effects...

• If you are less than happy with your overall performance, blame team dynamics, console yourself with more orders from the bar and make a pact to secretly come back and practice your technique before the re-match. Then, give yourself a chance to win back some credibility by challenging anyone that will listen to a competition on the pool table, air hockey, dancing machine…

Michelle Byrne
19 May 2007